Sunday, October 19, 2014

Idiot Authors Part 1

I've blogged in the past about how some authors really piss me off.

In one week, we've had two glaring examples of Authors Being Dickbags. Both have to do with these Special Snowflakes receiving bad reviews. This kind of stuff really gets under my skin.

First up is Margo Howard writing an article at the New Republic. Ever wonder what an elitist looks like? There ya go.

I'm not sure that I can say anything about Margo's mindset regarding readers/reviewers, particularly those in Amazon's Vine Voice, that's any worse than what she has put out there herself. Check out these direct quotes:

  • fellow customer would have read those pre-publication “reviews” and thought the book was dreck—although some people, I have to hope, would have spotted these attacks for what they were: ad hominem attacks.
  • In any case, these people are given freebies … cold cream, sneakers, pots and pans, and … books! I submit to you that free stuff does not a book reviewer make.
  • I can see the value—maybe—for man-on-the-street reviews of cold cream and pots and pans, but books?! Especially by people who collect free stuff, feel important because they’re getting this swag, and, forgive me, do not sound in the least like well-read people to begin with.
  • Books, of course, can be and are reviewed pre-publication—but by reviewers who are attached to magazines or newspapers. "Book Reviewer" is considered a profession, and reviews are done by other writers. Good sense would seem to militate against any group of people unschooled in creative and critical reviewing coming up with a worthwhile review.
  • I was so distressed about this injustice that I looked up the list of Amazon’s board of directors. Great good luck, I happened to know two of them, so I pestered the one who was a lawyer, feeling all this slamming by the barely literate approached tortious interference.

Yeah. That happened. Her comments on the same article continue with the snobbery.

Here's the deal, dear freaks... I don't care if you bought my book, downloaded it for free during a promo, borrowed it from a friend, or pirated it online, I regard all of your opinions equally. You gave my work a chance and I thank you.

I don't care if you're a plumber, book blogger, or newspaper editor. The fact that Margo does disgusts me.

Oh, and the whole 'cold cream, sneakers, pots and pans', but not 'books' comment is so pretentious that I thought my head might explode. It's OK to have 'man-on-the-street' reviews of those pots and pans, but not of MARGO FUCKING HOWARD'S BOOKS. Authors, apparently, are Special Snowflakes and are exempt from critique by you regular folk.

Know your role, peons.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Ask Me Anything


That's a picture of a Mermaid Parade. Why is it at the top of this post? I have no idea.

Anyway, I'm going to record myself answering any question you can come up with. Fire away. Literally anything. I'll upload the video to YouTube so you can behold my stupidity.

Leave your question in the comments of this post and I'll respond to it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Three New Short Stories

I've just released three horror short stories on Amazon. They're all quick and twisted, just the way I like short stories. They're cheap to buy, $0.99, and FREE if you're a Kindle Unlimited or Amazon Prime subscriber.


Dead Ringer: A Horror Short Story

CLARK SANDFORD, an unremarkable paper salesman, has one trait which makes him instantly recognizable to the people of Milwaukee—he's a dead ringer for the city's second baseman.

WHEN HE FORGETS his wallet after closing a sale, Clark fears that he won't be able to rent a hotel room. Fortunately for him, he's mistakenly identified as the famous baseball player. Assuming the identity of the celebrity, Clark soon realizes that fame isn't all that it seems.

SOMETIMES BEING notorious can get you killed.


Lotion: A Horror Short Story in The Hunger Series

ADAM HAS SURVIVED the apocalypse. Monstrous, mutated vampires devoured the globe, leaving him to scrape by in the ravaged world left behind. After spending weeks living in a bank vault, Adam ventures back to his former apartment for some extra clothes and supplies.

WHEN HE STUMBLES into an old neighbor, a moronic man who has impossibly survived in the face of certain death, Adam's daily struggle is magnified in hilarious and dangerous ways.


All I Want for Christmas: A Horror Short Story

ALL THAT TEENAGE Lisa wants for Christmas is her crush Stevie. She chronicles her struggles in school with her bullying classmates and the drama of her home life in her journal.

THE EARLY ENTRIES read like typical teen angst, but quickly descend into something much more sinister.

Friday, September 12, 2014

PG-13 Sucks


I didn't bother going to see The Expendables III in the theater. Judging from the box office, I'm in the majority. I went to see both 1 and 2 on their opening weekends. The first was fun. The second made me laugh my ass off (Not literally. At least, I don't think so. I haven't checked for my ass in awhile). Arnold and Sly in the same movie? Cutting through villains like shit through a goose? Yes, please.

Except, I didn't bother with the third movie. Maybe when it comes out on Netflix. Why? Its rating. PG-13 sucks ass. PG-13 is ruining a lot of good movies and it really pisses me off.

The general idea behind the studios making so many movies PG-13, rather than R, is that they want to open the films to a wider audience. And that's the problem. The Expendables was gloriously over the top. The violence, action, and swearing were all cranked up to 11.

That was the appeal. The movie was a throwback to the action heydays of the aging stars. The first two did solid box office. Not a grand slam, but a solid double. They made their money back and quite a bit more.

And then the studios decide to crank out a PG-13 Expendables and no one gives a shit.

The movie was leaked online and that's now being used as an excuse for the film's lackluster box office, but that's bullshit. They cut out the best parts of The Expendables and then wonder why it bombs. The people who would now be able to see the third movie in the theaters because of the lower rating weren't even alive during the peak of the stars' careers.

So, let's aim for those who won't have the same nostalgic feeling as the rest of us and alienate the audience who enjoyed the first two movies for what they were.

Think, McFly, think!

They made fucking Aliens vs. Predator PG-13! Jesus! I mean... I just... what?

Alien, Aliens, and Alien 3 are all rated R.
Predator and Predator 2 are rated R.
Aliens vs. Predator - PG-13.
And it sucked. Hard.

Now that, my fellow freaks, is some solid logic.

World War Z. Finally, a big budget zombie film. Then they make it PG-13. Goddamn it. To be fair, the movie wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I actually enjoyed most of it. But it could have been so much more.

Don't even get me started on Live Free or Die Hard. I might have an aneurysm if I get into that one. We went from John Mc-Fucking-Clane to John Mc-Bleeping-Clane. What bag of dicks thought that was a good idea?

The RoboCop remake? Did no one involved in that project even see the original? The glorious/hilarious violence of the first is a huge part of what made it great.

Quick, what's the worst of the Terminator movies? Part 4? PG-13. Conan the Barbarian was bad ass, violent, and rated R. Conan the Destroyer was homogenized, watered down, and rated PG-13. Total Recall? Fuuuuuuck.

Declawing movies to get a broader audience almost never works. What it does accomplish is pissing off the established fan base.

And it makes my head feel like it might explode.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Ravaged is Available in Audio


The series is finally complete in audio. I still have some free copies of Devoured (The Hunger #1), so comment here if you don't have it yet and want a freebie. Here are the links to get your copy of Ravaged:




Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Stop Bitching About the Ice Bucket Challenge


Everyone complaining about the Ice Bucket Challenge needs to chill out. This was a genius way to raise money and awareness and it has been hugely successful. They've brought in nearly ten times the amount of money as they did during the same time period last year.

As always, that just doesn't work for some people. They have to suck the fun out of everything. There has been a deluge of blogs, articles, and moronic tweets telling people to stop dumping ice on their heads and to start giving cash. Not everyone needs to be shamed into donating money if they don't want to or aren't able to. Just because someone tags you on Facebook doesn't mean that you have some kind of debt to pay.

You aren't the arbiter of what is good and right.

Uploading thousands of videos across the internet has brought ALS awareness to an all-time high. That was the goal. Mission accomplished. It's called the Ice Bucket Challenge, not the Stop Having Fun and Give Me Money Challenge.

Quit bitching and enjoy watching your friends do crazy stuff. When you get tired of them, stop viewing the videos. Easy. Sometimes it's OK to have fun.

This campaign was genius, important, and a success. Stop being douches.

Here is a video of The Tall One taking part.