Thursday, October 30, 2014

The 5 Worst Horror Movies by Spencer Blohm

Jason says: Hey, freaks! Spencer Blohm is back again with another guest post about terrible horror movies. If you've ever read this blog before, then you know how much I love me some craptastic cinema. You can find Spencer's other guest post about Ed Gein here. If you haven't watched the flicks he mentions, you should grab a beer and check 'em out. Hilarity ensues. Here's Spencer:

The 5 Worst Horror Movies

Horror films are supposed to be scary, but there are some that can only make you laugh. There's a fine line between scary and silly, which can be easily crossed with bad acting, predictable plots, badly crafted monsters, and more. Each of these following films boast at least one of these extreme flaws, making our top 5 list of worst horror movies:

1. Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood is a 2003 horror film written and directed by Steven Ayromlooi. It's the sixth sequel of the Leprechaun series, and portrays a Leprechaun looking for his stolen gold. He hunts and kills the thieves, a group of youths who were using the gold to grant wishes, until he is able to reclaim the pot of gold.

The film has a 25% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes and Entertainment Weekly also named it the third worst sequel in its "25 Worst Sequels Ever Made" article.

2. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Plan 9 from Outer Space is a 1959 science fiction thriller film written and directed by Ed Wood. The plot of the film consists of extraterrestrials attempting to stop humans from creating a doomsday weapon that they fear would destroy the entire universe. The aliens decide to implement "Plan 9," the aim of which is to resurrect the Earth's dead bodies. The resurrected bodies are (unsurprisingly) zombie-like characters who cause chaos.

The film played on television until 1980 (and is still available on Amazon streaming), when authors Michael Medved and Harry Medved dubbed Plan 9 from Outer Space the "worst movie ever made". Ed Wood was also awarded the Medved's' Golden Turkey Award for worst director ever.

3. House Of The Dead

House of the Dead is a 2003 film based on the 1996 light gun Sega arcade game. The film was directed by Uwe Boll and features Erica Durance in one of her earliest acting roles, before she became known as Smallville's Lois Lane. The film begins with two college students,Simon (Tyron Leitso) and Greg (Will Sanderson), who plan to attend a rave on an island. They take a boat there and meet up with three girls: Alicia (Ona Grauer), Karma (Enuka Okuma) and Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa). Out of the five kids, only two end up surviving and returning home.

Rotten Tomatoes ranked the film 41st in the 100 worst reviewed films of the 2000s, with a rating of 4%. IGN Movies claims it was a limited budget film with a cast of actors that were not well known. Time also listed the film on their 2009 list of "Top Ten Worst Video Games Movies."

4. Troll 2

Troll 2 is a 1990 horror film directed by Claudio Fragasso and starring Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Connie McFarland, Deborah Reed and Jason Wright. Initially, it was named Goblins, but the United States distributors felt the film would not succeed as a standalone film. They renamed it Troll 2 as a marketing technique, giving viewers the impression it was a sequel to the 1986 film Troll. However, the two films have no connection whatsoever and there are zero trolls in Troll 2. The film is actually about a family chased by vegetarian goblins who want to change them into plants and then eat them.

The script was written by Fragasso and his wife. Neither spoke fluent English, and the filming crew was an unfortunate mix of Italian-speakers, which led to many miscommunications. The film's cast consisted of all American actors, but many did not have any acting experience whatsoever. It also didn't help that the goblins' costumes were burlap clothes stuffed with foam rubber, and only one of them had a moveable mouth on its latex mask. Troll 2 has a rating of 6% on Rotten Tomatoes and was also rated as the worst film of all time by The film is so infamous that a documentary, called Best Worst Movie (which is available on Direct TV), was created to explain the origins and hilarity of the cult classic from the perspective of its former child star, Michael Stephenson.

5. The Wicker Man

The Wicker Man is a 2006 remake of the 1973 British cult classic of the same name, written and directed by Neil LaBute. It is also somewhat based on parts of David Pinner's 1967 novel Ritual. The film stars Nicolas Cage as a police officer named Edward Malus who is told by his ex-fiancée, Willow Woodward, that their daughter Rowan has disappeared. Edward travels to the island where Rowan was last seen, and has dealings with the neo-pagan people of the island
The Wicker Man received an overwhelming amount of negative reviews from film critics due to its bad screenwriting, poor acting, and unintentional humor. The film was deemed horrible enough to win Raspberry Award nominations for Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, Worst Remake and Worst On-Screen Couple/

From bad acting and directing to simply being funny instead of scary, these horror films were given bad reviews for a multitude reasons. If you're into laughing at scary movies, then these may suit your taste. However, they wouldn't be the best choices if you’re truly looking to be frightened.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Idiot Authors Part 1

I've blogged in the past about how some authors really piss me off.

In one week, we've had two glaring examples of Authors Being Dickbags. Both have to do with these Special Snowflakes receiving bad reviews. This kind of stuff really gets under my skin.

First up is Margo Howard writing an article at the New Republic. Ever wonder what an elitist looks like? There ya go.

I'm not sure that I can say anything about Margo's mindset regarding readers/reviewers, particularly those in Amazon's Vine Voice, that's any worse than what she has put out there herself. Check out these direct quotes:

  • fellow customer would have read those pre-publication “reviews” and thought the book was dreck—although some people, I have to hope, would have spotted these attacks for what they were: ad hominem attacks.
  • In any case, these people are given freebies … cold cream, sneakers, pots and pans, and … books! I submit to you that free stuff does not a book reviewer make.
  • I can see the value—maybe—for man-on-the-street reviews of cold cream and pots and pans, but books?! Especially by people who collect free stuff, feel important because they’re getting this swag, and, forgive me, do not sound in the least like well-read people to begin with.
  • Books, of course, can be and are reviewed pre-publication—but by reviewers who are attached to magazines or newspapers. "Book Reviewer" is considered a profession, and reviews are done by other writers. Good sense would seem to militate against any group of people unschooled in creative and critical reviewing coming up with a worthwhile review.
  • I was so distressed about this injustice that I looked up the list of Amazon’s board of directors. Great good luck, I happened to know two of them, so I pestered the one who was a lawyer, feeling all this slamming by the barely literate approached tortious interference.

Yeah. That happened. Her comments on the same article continue with the snobbery.

Here's the deal, dear freaks... I don't care if you bought my book, downloaded it for free during a promo, borrowed it from a friend, or pirated it online, I regard all of your opinions equally. You gave my work a chance and I thank you.

I don't care if you're a plumber, book blogger, or newspaper editor. The fact that Margo does disgusts me.

Oh, and the whole 'cold cream, sneakers, pots and pans', but not 'books' comment is so pretentious that I thought my head might explode. It's OK to have 'man-on-the-street' reviews of those pots and pans, but not of MARGO FUCKING HOWARD'S BOOKS. Authors, apparently, are Special Snowflakes and are exempt from critique by you regular folk.

Know your role, peons.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Ask Me Anything

That's a picture of a Mermaid Parade. Why is it at the top of this post? I have no idea.

Anyway, I'm going to record myself answering any question you can come up with. Fire away. Literally anything. I'll upload the video to YouTube so you can behold my stupidity.

Leave your question in the comments of this post and I'll respond to it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Three New Short Stories

I've just released three horror short stories on Amazon. They're all quick and twisted, just the way I like short stories. They're cheap to buy, $0.99, and FREE if you're a Kindle Unlimited or Amazon Prime subscriber.

Dead Ringer: A Horror Short Story

CLARK SANDFORD, an unremarkable paper salesman, has one trait which makes him instantly recognizable to the people of Milwaukee—he's a dead ringer for the city's second baseman.

WHEN HE FORGETS his wallet after closing a sale, Clark fears that he won't be able to rent a hotel room. Fortunately for him, he's mistakenly identified as the famous baseball player. Assuming the identity of the celebrity, Clark soon realizes that fame isn't all that it seems.

SOMETIMES BEING notorious can get you killed.

Lotion: A Horror Short Story in The Hunger Series

ADAM HAS SURVIVED the apocalypse. Monstrous, mutated vampires devoured the globe, leaving him to scrape by in the ravaged world left behind. After spending weeks living in a bank vault, Adam ventures back to his former apartment for some extra clothes and supplies.

WHEN HE STUMBLES into an old neighbor, a moronic man who has impossibly survived in the face of certain death, Adam's daily struggle is magnified in hilarious and dangerous ways.

All I Want for Christmas: A Horror Short Story

ALL THAT TEENAGE Lisa wants for Christmas is her crush Stevie. She chronicles her struggles in school with her bullying classmates and the drama of her home life in her journal.

THE EARLY ENTRIES read like typical teen angst, but quickly descend into something much more sinister.

Friday, September 12, 2014

PG-13 Sucks

I didn't bother going to see The Expendables III in the theater. Judging from the box office, I'm in the majority. I went to see both 1 and 2 on their opening weekends. The first was fun. The second made me laugh my ass off (Not literally. At least, I don't think so. I haven't checked for my ass in awhile). Arnold and Sly in the same movie? Cutting through villains like shit through a goose? Yes, please.

Except, I didn't bother with the third movie. Maybe when it comes out on Netflix. Why? Its rating. PG-13 sucks ass. PG-13 is ruining a lot of good movies and it really pisses me off.

The general idea behind the studios making so many movies PG-13, rather than R, is that they want to open the films to a wider audience. And that's the problem. The Expendables was gloriously over the top. The violence, action, and swearing were all cranked up to 11.

That was the appeal. The movie was a throwback to the action heydays of the aging stars. The first two did solid box office. Not a grand slam, but a solid double. They made their money back and quite a bit more.

And then the studios decide to crank out a PG-13 Expendables and no one gives a shit.

The movie was leaked online and that's now being used as an excuse for the film's lackluster box office, but that's bullshit. They cut out the best parts of The Expendables and then wonder why it bombs. The people who would now be able to see the third movie in the theaters because of the lower rating weren't even alive during the peak of the stars' careers.

So, let's aim for those who won't have the same nostalgic feeling as the rest of us and alienate the audience who enjoyed the first two movies for what they were.

Think, McFly, think!

They made fucking Aliens vs. Predator PG-13! Jesus! I mean... I just... what?

Alien, Aliens, and Alien 3 are all rated R.
Predator and Predator 2 are rated R.
Aliens vs. Predator - PG-13.
And it sucked. Hard.

Now that, my fellow freaks, is some solid logic.

World War Z. Finally, a big budget zombie film. Then they make it PG-13. Goddamn it. To be fair, the movie wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I actually enjoyed most of it. But it could have been so much more.

Don't even get me started on Live Free or Die Hard. I might have an aneurysm if I get into that one. We went from John Mc-Fucking-Clane to John Mc-Bleeping-Clane. What bag of dicks thought that was a good idea?

The RoboCop remake? Did no one involved in that project even see the original? The glorious/hilarious violence of the first is a huge part of what made it great.

Quick, what's the worst of the Terminator movies? Part 4? PG-13. Conan the Barbarian was bad ass, violent, and rated R. Conan the Destroyer was homogenized, watered down, and rated PG-13. Total Recall? Fuuuuuuck.

Declawing movies to get a broader audience almost never works. What it does accomplish is pissing off the established fan base.

And it makes my head feel like it might explode.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Ravaged is Available in Audio

The series is finally complete in audio. I still have some free copies of Devoured (The Hunger #1), so comment here if you don't have it yet and want a freebie. Here are the links to get your copy of Ravaged: