Friday, June 27, 2014

Devoured is FREE


I've made Devoured FREE everywhere. If you were on the fence about trying THE HUNGER series, here is your chance to give it a shot for nothing. Grab it at your favorite ebook distributor:


Monday, June 23, 2014

Yeah, I'm a Dork


Anyone who follows me on social media knows that I'm a huge geek, particularly when it comes to horror stuff. When you step foot into my basement, the full extent of my nerdom becomes apparent. Posters, props, etc. are everywhere.

I grew up watching horror movies and reading horror novels constantly. I still do the same thing now. If you feel sorry for my wife, you should. She's a real trooper as we slog our way through countless movies of less-than-questionable quality.

In the '90's, I used to watch a show called MonsterVision which was hosted by the hilarious Joe Bob Briggs. Joe Bob would show two or three horror movies on a Saturday night, giving each a running commentary at commercial breaks. As the first, and most popular, reviewer of drive-in movies, Joe Bob actually appreciated the often terrible films he was showing. It was obvious that he enjoyed the genre and dorks like me could relate.

I've missed that show since it went off the air. Recently, I found something on YouTube that, while different from MonsterVision, gives me a nostalgic feel for that old horror show. It's called Monster Men.

The idea behind Monster Men is pretty simple - two dudes sit around and talk about horror related shit. They discuss movies, books, Halloween and anything else that revolves around horror. It's niche as hell, which is why I enjoy it. The two hosts, Hunter and Jack are funny dudes who keep things lighthearted, which also hearkens back to MonsterVision. Watch this clip, where they try out horror-themed wine, and enjoy a good laugh.


Hunter is also an author who writes for Samhain Publishing's horror line. I just read one of his books, Swamp Monster Massacre and found it a fun romp. The title gives you exactly what it suggests.

Anyway, check out the Monster Men podcast and get a good laugh.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Aliens Are Morons


I need to preface this by saying that I'm a huge fan of alien fiction, be it movies, books, or those hokey shows about alien abduction. The X-Files blew my mind in the 90's.

Having said that, I have to ask... why are the aliens in movies always completely stupid?

Take the movie Signs, for example. These aliens have mastered the ability of interstellar travel, yet they plan to attack Earth, a planet comprised of vast amounts of water, which just so happens to be poison to them. It literally reacts like acid on their skin. In preparation for this, they wear these amazing suits that keep water out so they can be protected.

Oh wait, no they don't. These morons run around naked, completely vulnerable to the devastating effects of a child with a squirt gun. What if it rains? So, the fire department is now mankind's best weapon? Genius.

I especially liked that they spent a few days climbing on the roof and running through the cornfield like a couple of pedophiles spying on a slumber party.

The Tall One and I watched an alien abduction movie last night that had the dumbest space travelers ever in it. They've conquered space and time, but if you hide in the basement, they're totally fucked. Weapons? Who needs them when we can just chase you through the woods. They beamed a few people into the mothership with ease, but god help them if you sneak into the barn. Those doors are made of wood, dude! There's no way they can get through those.

The other thing that I fail to understand in these movies, is why aren't the people abducted from the beginning? In most of these, a family, or friends, whatever, are hounded throughout the movie. They hear sounds, see bright lights, feel a nearby presence, and then they're finally abducted at the end.

Do aliens have a sick sense of humor? They like screwing with people? Why spend days dicking around?

Aliens are teases, apparently. And stupid.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Accents from THE HUNGER

I've had a lot of people ask me about the dialect in THE HUNGER.

Unless you're from the Pittsburgh area, then you probably don't understand yinz or n'at.

Here are two videos that should help everyone understand just how funny people's accents are in western PA.

And yes, I suffer from a handful of these...






Friday, May 30, 2014

James Patterson Broke His Brain

Typically, I don't enjoy fisking people. It's too easy to take a statement, or even a sentence, out of context. It's a practice often used by people who are professionally outraged. You know the ones I'm talking about - they're always on the news, their faces red, blathering on about how insulting someone is.

But, fisking is what I'm about to do. A Brant Rant is needed. I read an article about James Patterson's speech at the Book Expo America yesterday. What a dick bag. If you want to read a much better version of what I'm about to say, then check out J.A. Konrath's version of this. He be, like, way smrter than me, and stuff.

Still here? Good. Time for me to lay into the world's bestselling author. His words are italicized.

I'm trying to get people to focus on the perilous future of books in this country. And that future is happening right now, this year. There is an evolution/revolution going on and it affects everybody who reads, everybody who writes, everybody who publishes books.

-Perilous future? You mean the one where people are reading more than ever? The revolution in publishing has caused prices to come down, buying to be easier, and helped more authors pay their bills with writing. Oh, the horror. Someone do something!

Small bookstores are being shuttered, book chains are closing, libraries are having serious trouble getting funding, especially school libraries.

-I call bullshit on small bookstores being shuttered. More indie bookstores are opening than closing and their sales are going up. By 'book chains', he means Barnes & Noble. Wait, so we should be rooting for B&N now? Does anyone remember the '90's when they were the 'devil' because they were running small bookstores out of business? No one has seen You've Got Mail? They're heroes now?

Or, maybe, it's that dumb asses don't like change. If 'book chains' want to remain relevant, then they need to adapt to the times. Crying that Amazon does it better is pathetic. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Every publisher and the people who work in these publishing houses is feeling a great deal of pain and stress. If we don't fix those problems, the quality of American literature is going to suffer.

-'Every horse breeder and the people who work in the stables is feeling a great deal of pain and stress. If we don't fix those problems, the quality of American transportation is going to suffer.' - I wonder if this is what Patterson would have said after Henry Ford put his boot on the throat of the horse and buggy industry.

I'd like you to think about this, and I'd like the press to think about this: Publishers are not terribly profitable. If those profits are further diminished, publishers will produce less serious literature.

-Is there any wonder that I called Patterson a dick bag? Simon and Schuster had record profits last year. Same with Random House in 2012. In fact, in the first six months of last year, all but one of the six big publishers had their profits go up. Not terribly profitable? I need to pull my boots up because the bullshit is getting really, really deep.

Even if this was true, which it isn't, who gives a shit? Authors can self publish and make even more money. Why should I care if a middleman goes under?

And that's one of the reasons why right now, the future of our literature is in danger. I will say that there are no clear-cut villains — yet — but there are no heroes either, and I think it's important that major players involved in publishing, as well as the press, and our government, step up and take responsibility for the future of our literature and the part it plays in our culture.

-More people are reading more books and companies have record profits, but literature is in danger... I bet Patterson has some ocean-front property in Kentucky he's willing to sell you.

Anyone who has read my books or my blog knows the disdain I have for the government. The idea that they could be involved in the book business has my head close to exploding. It's also interesting that he doesn't say what they need to do, just that they need to take responsibility for it.


Amazon also, as you know, wants to control book selling, book buying, and even book publishing, and that is a national tragedy.

-Oh, for fuck's sake. School shootings are a national tragedy. Terrorist attacks are a national tragedy. The Ravens winning the Super Bowl is a national tragedy. Amazon selling a shit load of books with cheap prices, fast shipping, and a killer recommendation system isn't a tragedy.

See? Dick bag. He might as well start screaming 'Merica!

If this is to be the new American way, then maybe it has to be changed, by law if necessary, immediately, if not sooner.

-Wait, he did scream 'merica! Bring on the government! They make everything better!
...
Immediately, if not sooner? What the hell does that even mean? The government should send Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time and stop Amazon?

It really grosses me out to hear authors talking about publishers like they're some kind positive force. They've been bending authors over the barrel for decades. I'm not some kind of Amazon cheerleader, don't get me wrong, but saying that the best book-selling company of all time is an evil force destroying the industry is just stupid.

Do you think that, maybe, Patterson wants things to stay the same because the system has made him super rich? Nah, it has to be because Amazon is EVIL and publishers are GOOD.

Just for shits and giggles, let's extend Patterson's logic to his sales. One in seventeen hardcover novels sold in the U.S. is from James Patterson. That's hurting midlist and part-time authors. Patterson wants to control the book-writing business and that's a national tragedy. The government needs to step in and take some responsibility. Stephen King and John Grisham, and the people working for them, are hurting and stressed. Compared to Patterson, they're hardly profitable. If their profits are diminished, they might produce less literature. We need to change the law, immediately, if not sooner.

Douche.

Friday, May 23, 2014

How People Found My Blog

Because I've blogged about crazy stuff before, I have people finding my site through a bunch of hilarious searches.

Here are some of the choice ones from this week:

  • female mullet
  • he-man gay
  • lzzy hale ass
  • clip gay man blogger
  • jason brant gay
  • 3 best thing about rock n roll images
  • hugh jackman ass
Who has the classiest blog on the net?

Friday, May 16, 2014

What I'm Working On

I've been slacking on the blogging lately, but it's for a good reason.

Right now, there are two novels sitting in my pipeline that are partially written. The first is an unnamed book that is a sequel, a prequel, and a standalone all at the same time. Confusing? It won't be when you read it. I think a lot of you will be quite pleased with some of the stuff in it. This will be the first to release and should come out in the next few weeks.

Shortly after that, hopefully within 5 weeks of the first novel, will be the sequel to ASH, tentatively titled BLAZE. It takes place just a few weeks after the end of ASH. Unfortunately, Asher Benson's lot in life hasn't improved.

So, while there has been a lull around here lately, that's because I'm bringing you two books pretty close together.

Also, just for the hell of it, the first five people who comment on this post will get their choice of one of my audiobooks FREE on Audible. All I ask is that you rate it when I gift it to you.